MORE TROUBLE FOR CLAUS

SANTA ACCUSED OF UNION BASHING

In an unexpected move, the AFL-CIO issued an official statement yesterday condemning Santa Claus for "blatantly unacceptable labor practices." The statement cites a number problems, including the hiring of handicapped laborers at substandard wages, use of a non-union driver, excessive working hours, and forced work on holidays. The Clause organization was accused of "widespread abuse in the name of Christmas." There was also some question as to whether OSHA regulations had been violated.

According to an association spokesman, "Here we have an elderly man traipsing around the world, unloading packages, and eliminating a lot of jobs." The AFL-CIO demands that Claus implement an organized system based on job classifications. "Toy deliveries must be made by a teamster, accompanied by a laborer to perform loading and unloading. Working hours are to be limited to 8-hour shifts, with mandatory holiday leave." It is estimated that changes will increase the Christmas toy-delivery schedule from one night to six months, and will create 1/2 million jobs worldwide. A Claus spokesman responded, "We've been doing it this way for hundreds of years, and this is the first complaint we've ever had."

This news comes on the heels of a series of bad breaks for Santa Claus. Last month, the Federal Aeronatutics Administration began in inquiry into Claus's use of private aircraft. The FAA is investigating claims of a 500-year-old man flying an unli- censed small craft of questionable origin at night in foul weather in "dreadfully close proximity to homes occupied by small children". Lighting systems on the craft are allegedly inadequate, since only a single flashing red light identifies the craft. The FAA's investigation has been hampered by Claus' refusal to turn over the flight recorder. According to an FAA spokesman, "They have actually claimed that the flight recorder doesn't exist. We may have to get a search warrant."

The FBI is currently investigating Claus for breaking and entering. An agency source, who asked not to be identified, said "We're sure he's guilty, but we just can't get an eye witness. Claus has an uncanny knack for showing up only when occupants of the home are fast asleep with visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads." To add insult to injury, the New York public relations firm of Tinsel, Angel, and Brie is considering dumping Claus as the mascot of Christmas. Says PR-specialist Ebineezer Humbug, "Santa's image is just totally un-nineties! I mean the guy is overweight, smokes, lives the life of a recluse...and red fur to completely gauche. And who knows how old he is? Bert Parks had the decency to step down, and now it's time for Clausey-baby to do the same."

The firm wants to replace Claus with "the real man of the nineties, Arnold Swartzenegger. He impidimizes the modern man - strong but gentle, attractive but bright, rich but solvent, married to a real babe." Preliminary market surveys indicate that Swartzenegger would have superior merchandizing value, but that small children cannot come anywhere close to spelling his name. Swartzenegger decline to be interviewed, saying only, "I absolutely refuse to jump down a chimney."