Quotations: Wise-Ass Comments

Champaign for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends. - Tom Waits
The way I see it, unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free. - MASH TV show
There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he really doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not. - Monty Python
Not here for a long time - here for a good time. - Steve Guttenberg
I used to read, but it's faster to make up stuff. - Scott Adams (Dilbert comic strip)
An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's. - Will Rogers
We understand. We just don't fuckin' get it. -Jon Stewart
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. — Steven Wright
A word to the wise is not sufficient if it doesn't make sense. - James Thurber
Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well. — Mark Twain
Procrastinator's Creed: I believe if it's worth doing, it would have been done already. - Anon.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. — Steven Wright
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West
A man in the house is worth two in the street. - Mae West
If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it. - Dilbert
Sir, Sunday morning, although recurring at regular and well foreseen intervals, always seems to take this railway by surprise. - W.S. Gilbert
The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
Football combines the two worst features of American life: violence and committee meetings. - George Will
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. - Mae West
America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole. - Bobcat Goldthwait
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. - Anon.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. - Anon.
Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde
The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead. - Ann Landers
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. — Woody Allen
Visits always give pleasure - if not the arrival, the departure. - Portuguese proverb
I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor. - Francois Rabelais
Most of the time, I don't have much fun. The rest of the time, I don't have any fun at all. - Woody Allen
Love is an emotion experienced by the many and enjoyed by the few. - George Jean Nathan
Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves you midsection unprotected. - Robert Orben
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. - Lily Tomlin
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. - Bob Wells
There are more fools in the world than there are people. - Heinrich Heine
The covers of this book are too far apart - Ambrose Bierce
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. - R. Heinlein
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
Set your sights low and you'll always succeed. - "Mother Goose and Grimm"
I'd never want to belong to any club that would have me as a member. - Woody Allen
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. - Arthur Miller
Every time I think I've hit bottom, someone throws me a shovel. - Jim Davis (Garfield Cartoon)
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. - Brendan Behan
Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties. - Doug Larson
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. - Alexander Pope
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex - but Congress can. - Cullen Hightower